Modern Romance

Key West is a pretty interesting place to be single in your 30’s.  I mean, our unofficial island motto is “Key West:  Where The Weird Go Pro”, so you can imagine what it’s like filtering through the potential suitors.  Much like a bowl of granola, lots of nuts and flakes.  The thing about dating in your 30’s is that you’ve already been through all the bullshit so you’ve got a pretty good idea of what you’re looking for and at least for me personally I’m no longer willing to lower my expectations to meet other people’s standards.  Step up to the plate or step outta the way.

My girlfriend Alex recently recommended this book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. If you’re navigating the dating world in 2015 this book is a must read and I guarantee you will find it laugh out loud funny.  And if you aren’t personally navigating the world of dating right now but are wondering why your amazingly awesome BFF, daughter, son, cousin, (you get the picture)… still is, this book is for you too!

Schumer

Side Note: Amy Schumer you are my spirit animal.

Another thing about dating in your 30’s is that by now hopefully you’ve learned to appreciate the little things.  As Aziz so eloquently says in Modern Romance, “When I’ve really been in love with someone, it’s not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or certain cuisine.  It’s more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.”  At this stage in the game it’s all about having fun; after all, if it’s not fun while you’re dating imagine how much things will suck if you get married and throw kids into the mix.

 

10 Quotes That Will Make You Want To Read Modern Romance

  1. “Later I check Instagram, and this clown Tanya is posting a photo of some deer  Too busy to write me back, but she has time to post a photo of some deer she saw on a hike?”
  2. “If you were a woman, you had far less time to find a man.  True Love?  This guy has a job and a decent mustache.  Lock it down girl.”
  3. “That said, can you imagine how insane that must have been to get the first text of all time?  When no one knew what a text was?  It would have been like “WHY ARE THERE WORD ON MY PHONE??? PHONES ARE FOR NUMBERS!!”
  4. “So based on [this] data, the answers are clear:  If you are a woman, take a high-angle selfie, with cleavage, while you’re underwater near some buried treasure.”
  5. “Nobody joins Tinder because they’re looking for something,” Rad told Time.  They join because they want to have fun.” And because his name is Sean Rad, he probably said that quote to Time and then tossed on a pair of cool shades, hopped on a skateboard, and blazed on outta there.”
  6. “Quick die note:  In numerous interviews Mateen is identified as someone with a background in party planning, which is a ridiculous resume item.  “Are you fit for the position?” “Yes, I have a strong background in party planning, I promise you, I can get this party started””
  7. “A few decades ago, if I wanted to research vanilla ice cream, what would I have even done?  Cold-approach chubby guys and then slowly steer the convo toward ice cream to get their take?  No, thanks.  Nowadays the Internet is my chubby friend.  It’s the whole world’s chubby friend.”
  8. “Now, I understand that there is a certain kind of “car guy” out there who would find my choice of gasoline as horrifying as I find the choice of suboptimal tacos.  To that I say:  Stop caring so much about gasoline, you ding-dong!  Spend that money on good tacos like a nice, normal person.”
  9. “Most strange to me is that, whereas “Mrs. Pouterson” is a horrible nickname for a vagina, “Warren G. Harding” is actually a great nickname for a penis.”
  10. “This is my favorite.  I just love the idea of the guy opening up his phone, seeing the boobs, and thinking, “Ahhhh. Okay, you got this Phil!  Let’s nail this PowerPoint presentation.””

Times have changed.  Never before have single people had so many options literally in their back pocket.  Technology has changed the dating game; specifically smart phones and the internet.  Aziz said it best, “the world is available to us, but that may be the problem.”  For me technology, reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information.  I don’t want to converse via text message or swipe right, I want to enjoy conversation and show off my sick dance moves.  Cheers!

Schumer2

 

Singing in the Shower, La La Di, La La Da…

I’m not a morning person.  Never have been, although I do have to say that I’m getting better as I’m getting older.  Summer 2009* I was having a particularly hard time getting up for work in the morning (had nothing to do with the fact that I was closing down bars 4 nights a week…) so I asked my friend Dirt** who worked for a landscape company and had to be to work at sunrise what the secret was to waking up early.  He said you have to take a cold shower and belt out your favorite tunes.

* Summer 2009 will go down in history as one of my favorite summers of all time.
**  I’m pretty sure Dirt’s nickname came before the job at the landscape company but can’t be 100% sure.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

To have a successful shower singing experience I’ve found that you need to have 3 basic things:

1.  A Shower.  Preferably an outdoor shower but I understand that not all of us can afford the same luxury that we have here in Key West, especially in December, so any old shower will due.

Outdoor shower

Please note I have no idea who’s shower this is but I can promise you that one day I will have an exact replica.

2.  A Speaker.  If you’re going to be legit you have to have a legit speaker.  I highly recommend this one.  It’s awesome, has a suction cup and is only $19.99 on Amazon.

Speaker
Or, if are ok with 1/2-assing it you can throw your phone in a cup and hope it projects over the sound of the water.
Phone in cup

3.  A Song.  Or in my case song(s).  Here’s a few of my recent faves, which will also give you a pretty good indication of how random my choice in music is.  You can also find  my playlist Singing In The Shower on Spotify.  You’re welcome.

1.  Shower-  BeckyG
Obviously this makes the top of the list.

2.  Marvin Gaye-  Charlie Pruth (featuring Megan Trainor)
And so does this song because I can’t get it out of my damn head.  And I guarantee the same thing will happen to you now…

3.  Smoke A Little Smoke-  Eric Church
Something about that verse, “kick back give the blues a spin, break out the wine, begin again.  Dig down deep, find my stash, light it up, take me back…” just makes me want to start line dancing in the shower.  *Sigh* If only it were larger than 2’x2’…

4.  Where Are You U Now-  Skrillex & Diplo (featuring Justin Bieber)
You can say you don’t like Justin Bieber.  Yeah, he acts like a douche sometimes and has a history of making poor decisions but I dare you not to sing the chorus by the end.

Night At the Roxbury

5.  Bad Blood-  Taylor Swift
All hail The Queen.  Bad Blood has been #1 on the charts for 5 weeks in a row.

6.  Sugar- Maroon 5
Sing it with me!  Adam Levine… yes please.  Won’t you come and put it down on me.

Adam Levine

I hope that’s a joint and not a cigarette.

7.  Whatever You Like-  T.I.
This song always makes me feel like a boss.  I don’t know why, none of it is really applicable to me.  I just always feel gangster AF when I’m rapping in the shower and know all the words.

My chick could have what she want, And goin’ every store for any bag she want, And know she ain’t never had a man like that, To buy you anything ya heart desire I that. #boom

Eminem

8.  On To Something Good-  Ashley Monroe
What a great way to start the day.  I feel like I’m onto something good…  belt it out, that’s EXACTLY the kind of energy you should be putting out into the universe first thing in the morning!  Or anytime of day for that matter.

9.  Hypnotize-  The Notorious B.I.G
Biggie Biggie Biggie, can’t you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me.

10.  I Wanna Dance With Somebody-  Whitney Houston
Saving all my love for you Whitney.  This will always has and always will be my jam.

Cheers!

Celebrate Everything!

I often feel as though I’m the last one to find out about things.  For example, two years ago I was perusing through a magazine when I saw that August 1st was National Girlfriends Day.  Say whaaaat?!  How the hell long had this been going on and why didn’t I know about it.  I mean seriously, how could I not know about this. I’m the self-proclaimed queen of celebrations and adore my girlfriends.

Girls YOLO

Night #1 in Savannah, GA- Life Enhancement Week 2012

I’m always all like, “damn, I wish I would have known that was going on, I totally would have gone to that.” Like last year when I saw that all of the sudden Key West had outdoor movies!  Once I found out I quickly researched and I was relieved to find out I had only missed out on one showing and the next movie up would be Sandlot.  I mean really, Sandlot, on the beach, with 5 of your friends, does it get any better than that?!  Oh wait, it does when you bring all the necessary supplies to make s’mores during the infamous treehouse campout scene. #boom

Sandlot Smores

This year something similar happened when I realized that August 2nd could soon become one of my favorite days of the year because it’s one day celebrating 4 of my favorite things!
1.  National Sister’s Day

10001297_10104283968409813_496864075_n (1)
2.  National Ice Cream Sandwich Day-  When I was a kid I called them bread popsicles.  Now I call them heaven, which is why my homeslice K.Story made this giant ice cream cookie sandwich cake for my birthday this year. Chocolate chip with vanilla gelato.  I’m still dreaming about it.  #getinmybellycookie

Cookie Cake

3.  National Friendship Day-

See #2.  Just one example of how awesome my friends are.  Always surrounded by love, laughter, happiness, and support.

vibe attracts tribe

4.  National Coloring Book Day-  Coloring is a favorite past time of mine.  I was somewhat of a fanatic about my crayon collection and could be found hoarding all the crayons with a “point” so no one else could use them while my sister tried to stay in the lines with the dullest crayons you can imagine, probably RoseArt brand.

When it comes to crayons we all know Crayola is king.  This was my favorite aisle in Toys R Us or any store for that matter:

Crayola Aisle

I’m also fairly certain I got one of these bad boys every year for Christmas from the time I was two until they retired it in the mid 90’s:

Crayola

As you can see from the photo above of my birthday cookie I turned 31 this year and figure its time to get back to coloring.  Click here for a link to my fave, Erin Condren, who just came out with an adult coloring book.  Apparently adult coloring books are all the rage.  I’m also a HUGE fan of her Life Planner collection.
EC

I’m always looking for a reason to celebrate and who wouldn’t want to sit around with their sisters and friends coloring and eating ice cream sandwiches (insert girl with raised hand emoji here)?!

Bummed you missed out on August 1st and 2nd celebrations?  Have no fear, below are 28 more reasons to celebrate August!

August 3- Watermelon Day
August 4- Assistance Dog Day
August 5-  Oyster Day
August 6-  Root Beer Float Day
August 7-  International Beer Day
August 8-  Happiness Happens Day
August 9-  Book Lovers Day
August 10-  S’mores Day
August 11-  Play In The Sand Day
August 12-  Middle Childs Day
August 13-  International Lefthanders Day
August 14-  Creamscicle Day
August 15-  Corn On The Cob Day
August 16-  Rollercoaster Day
August 17-  Thrift Shop Day
August 18-  Bad Poetry Day
August 19-  Photography Day
August 20-  Lemonade Day
August 21-  Spumoni Day
August 22-  Be An Angel Day
August 23-  Ride The Wind Day
August 24-  International Bad Music Day
August 25-  Whiskey Sour Day
August 26-  Dog Day
August 27-  Burger Day
August 28-  Bow Tie Day
August 29-  Franchise Appreciation Day
August 30-  Toasted Marshmallow Day
August 31-  Trail Mix Day

Cheers!